november, you're already going?
we had a tiny winter, then a lot of rain. now there is snow again, for the time being. my mood has lifted and plummeted with the weather. now i'm feeling better, but overtired from last weekend. big house parties just aren't for me, despite wanting to enjoy the great company it ends up draining all of my energy. even three friends over for tea (mushroom cocoa, really) afterwards was a bit much. the good thing about a crowd, before all the swooshing, overbearing energy gets to me, is that i can step back and be around people without actually having to be the target of a lot of attention from a bunch of people at once. i do like that, every once in a long while... looking at people being happy and social. just don't try to force me into playing that game. eventually there's always someone who spots the 'loner' and either they are themselves lonely or just worried you're too shy to join in, and insist on trying to chat or 'cheer you up'. it can't be helped, i guess.
i thought i could drink green tea again, but turns out i can't. sleep has been an issue again. too little, too much, at the wrong hours, you name it. i also dropped dairy and eggs from my diet, might as well be as picky as can get... actually it really got to me that i'm paying other people to do things i could never do to animals, taking calves from mother cows and killing anyone deemed unprofitable. i love cheese and chocolate and ice cream and, dammit, butter, but i can no longer truly enjoy such 'treats'. and i'm not suddenly all blissed out and without cravings. going to the supermarket is agony with its temptations. there are more and more product options for a gluten intolerant vegan, but a lot of 'substitute' food items are still gross. vegan cheeses taste awful to me, like margarine, which is also on my icky list. very few chocolates left to choose from. and commercial nice creams... well, we'll see if a taste for those can be aquired.
these are very much first world problems, i am aware if that. but they are my small world problems now. enjoying edible things is a big part of my life. besides, i eat a lot. i decided i would still eat vegetarian food when offered, but i won't buy dairy or eggs anymore. honey is okay to me, my friends keep bees. and i'm not throwing away my vintage leather clothing or skeins of wool either. but i will stop buying yarn for now, unless i need it to finish something. it was becoming a problem anyway. i'm hoping for clarity. and health.
lots and lots of snowy, crisp winter days, too.
