i seem to have fallen into some deep, black hole again and i didn't even notice. that's the way it always goes, though. whenever i start thinking it's getting better, it's the verge. and i go over it time and time again. yet i always stay stuck. i can't fix this nor end it.
i have an opportunity to do something i've wished for my whole life, but instead of excited anticipation i'm just terrified and annoyed that i have to grab this straw now, without being able to enjoy the adventure. i'm not even sure if i really want to do it. and if i don't want to do the things i want to do, then where does that leave me?
i desired this vintage berry scoop so badly today, but at the same time i knew i wasn't going to really use it, i like picking by hand, and it would be a useless thing to own despite being so damn gorgeous. that swallow really had my heartstrings in its beak already. but i left it behind because i don't have that dream house to collect wonderful junk into. no matter how much stuff i've bought for that home, it hasn't become reality. no matter how much i've believed in good, life has gone bad.
i bought a ball of twine instead. sturdy cotton to tie things up with. to keep my world from falling apart. i was a teenage sea scout, you know, i should know my knots.
