the (slightly) cooler days came, but so did pesky flu bugs. yesterday i tried to flush them down with the last drops of whiskey i had left, actually a toddy with lemon, honey, cinnamon, echinacea and chaga, too. i know i would feel better if i went to the woods, but upping and leaving proves to be the hardest part. i am also skirting the edges of depression again, as if i were skating towards thin ice in a slow, wide, circular motion, spiraling in. a part of me feels fine, another knows i am never so, and never will be. there is always the possibility that the bottom falls off my life, out of the blue or for good reason, there's no telling. knowing that it can happen even if i get everything i've ever dreamed of doesn't help. it surely doesn't help that i am stuck in a rut and unable to get out, that i am painfully lonely and resigned to being that way for ever.
it doesn't help that i miss people i should forget, because they have chosen, for their reasons, to get rid of me. some have been lovers, some have been friends. i have never had many people in my life, never needed a lot, but lately i've become aware of how much i need a soulmate. just one would do. i love the friends i have, but they are very different from me in many ways, which is often great, but sometimes i just miss being so close, so similar, that no words are needed. and i wonder if you make friends like that as an adult.
it's autumn that makes me so maudlin. my favourite time of year, but also a time which makes the inability to share so obvious. i need more sharing. this blog is one thing, but it's not always nearly enough. fear of sadness that stems from this is the thing keeping me from doing things i love. i don't want to be out there, mushroom in hand, feeling lonely, knowing that there's no one home, no one waiting, no one to eat with.
to top it off i feel lousy for even complaining, because i am aware of how privileged my problems are. my life is pretty damn dreamy compared to some. but i also compare, i read the blogs of homesteaders and crafters who refer to their significant others and have babies and keep all kinds of animals and display nice things in their nice homes, and that's what i want too (well not the babies but all the rest). a house and a hubby. so many people get to have that, for me it's an unattainable luxury. of course i dream of seaside villas and riding the orient express and whatnot, but in my visions of happiness i am taking a bucket of scraps to the compost bin or sweeping the floor, but there is steadiness to my life and i am not alone.
