this makes me feel better...



my first odosketch

(via how about orange)

honestly, i don't know what to make of these things that always happen when i'm trying to make a significant step to better my life. maybe i'm just reading too much into things but it does appear as if someone was always saying "don't even bother" to me.

it's not news that i haven't been feeling well in a long time. although not the sole cause by any means, i'm sure my thyroid gland is out of whack big time. test results are 'within limits' but that doesn't really mean anything. lots of female family members have been diagnosed with thyroid problems, and currently i'm having symptoms of both hypo- and hyperthyroidism, and frankly i'm just sick of it.

i borrowed a book from a friend about hormones and how they affect the metabolism. while it's a diet book aimed at people who want to lose weight, i still got a lot out of it. and i figured i'd give it a shot and try and eat according to the plan as much as possible. meat isn't an option, though, to me it's just not food. the book is master your metabolism by jillian michaels, and i would never ever have chosen it judging by the cover... HOT AND HEALTHY BODY it exlaims. however, it's well written and describes the way different hormones work and what happens when we eat a ton of junk, in terms that anyone can understand. even i could with my hazy, hormonally challenged brain.

so, last night i set out to boil a few eggs (yes, organic) for breakfast and put the kettle on, thinking "here we go". some time later i began to wonder why the water won't boil... the thing is, back at home the first stove dial is for the front burner, here it's the second. and every time i switch between kitchens, i get confused. and this time there was a glass dish on the back burner, just waiting to be washed. not catastrophic in itself, but in the dish lay a plastic ladle... or, a puddle with a handle at this point! and the kitchenette was full of gray plastic fumes.

trying not to breathe, i carried the mess out to the balcony. then i got worried that the hot glass might char the reed carpet, and pushed the dish further onto a snow-covered area... which resulted in its instant shattering and the plastic goo getting all over the carpet. why of course.

it was too cold to keep the balcony door open for long, so i tried to cross-ventilate the best i could but the stench of burnt plastic still lingered all night. luckily it wasn't the worst kind of headache-inducing material, but i was still horrified enough, especially having just read that book, with bisfenols and phtalates on top of my mind.

after that all i could do was to calm my nerves with a skipper's pipe, even though jillian says licorice is bad for everything... ever since  this fine little day post  i haven't been able to think about anything else. on valentine's day, when i was finally on my way home (a whole story of failure there, too), i saw a box of twenty in the kiosk at the bus station and just had to buy it. they were really hard and chewy, which i'm assuming was a slip-up, because i actually like licorice better that way.

see, i'd love to think of the universe as a benevolent being but at this stage i'd settle for an indifferent one. or, if god hates me so much for being an unbeliever, it's not the kind of god i'd worship even if there was proof. every damn positive step i try to take, i get slammed down by a dark cloud, this time possibly a toxic one.

it's just a bit... much.