the pineaway

dust
laundromat
mildew
paperback
stable
thunderstorm

the frangrances from demeter i wish to smell (like). wishing they really smell like they claim to. i didn't even know the company still exists! i was obsessed with their odd scents in my teens after tomato and cinnamon toast were featured in a british magazine. i do like the smell of those, too. out of the abovementioned, if forced to choose, i think i'd go for dust because it's just so anti-perfumey and dull. fun.

i think that is the most revealing thing i've ever written.

so it's nothing, to follow by admitting i walked out on my psychiatric nurse yesterday. and he seemed very (too?) pleased to see me go. "at least we agree on one thing!" he snapped as i headed for the door. you'd think it was the culmination of a long and stormy relationship, right? but i've only met him a handful of times and been very quiet all along.

i don't remember word for word what was said but i was firm yet polite, although i did state that it was "damned frustrating" having to have the same debate over and over again, and that i hoped the doctor's appointment he'd arranged for me wasn't going to be only about trying to pressure me into medication. and he just lost it. basically his rant was that i'm refusing appropriate treatment from him, the professional, and that i should cancel the doc appointment if i was going to waste everyone's time by not popping the pills. at which point i said "fine —i won't come anymore" and got up to leave.

now, i'm no professional but i think the correct response should've been "wait, let's talk" or something along those lines. especially since i was about ten minutes into my session. any indication of i-don't-want-you-to-dash-off and i probably would have stayed. after all, i wanted to talk for once. i was actually feeling quite fine, for the first time, about going. i sure felt fine going out. my legs were trembling but i was relieved.

the thing is, this is the story of my life. the minute i try to be optimistic everything falls apart. in fact, i told him so just moments before. i'd laugh at the irony but i've overdosed on that a long time ago. it would be funny if i wasn't completely adrift now and my wrecked ship called ^M/_S NOT GOOD.