the weather is fair and wonderful, and cold. i haven't even sorted out my summer wardrobe yet and it's already time to haul the woollies boxes up from the basement. the battle for a neat closet has been going on for well over a decade, with no end in sight. my dream is to have only clothes i love, that feel good to wear and make me look like, well... me. everything would mix and match and every season i'd add a few things according to mood and let go of some old things. instead of evolving, my clothes pile just elevates... i wrestle with it from time to time, and emerge beaten.
this past year i've bought more clothes than ever before, trying in vain to achieve something elusive. i don't know who i am, or who i want to be. most days i don't want to be at all, and that's why i go and buy things, to pretend that i can be someone. but nothing fits nor makes a whole.
i wish i just had the clothes i need to cover up and keep warm. this is an extremely priviledged problem and i'm aware of that, but at the same time it weighs me down like a ton of useless garments that they are. i know most people don't give a damn about what i wear, but it's still important for me to look right - to be able to feel right. clothing affects my mood even if no one else sees me all day. every visual thing does.
it's time to battle the bulging closet again. i'm in there somewhere, i'm sure...
