i had a very telling dream last night. trying to leave america, i was stuck at the airport of anchorage, alaska because i had been doing something trivial thinking there's enough time but had in fact missed the only flight of the day. it was late at night, all my things were scatterd around, i still hadn't even bought my ticket and had too much stuff to carry all at once. i was trying to make a home into a closet for the night, to be safe. i had my cat (no longer with us in real life) in a small carrier but no food or litterbox for him. i think i met someone who seemed trustworthy enough to watch my belongings while i bought the ticket, but the schedule was a mystery to me and i didn't know which flight to ask for. i had been visiting my lost love, who was cold and indifferent to my being there.
oh, the things i can't let go of, the losses. whenever i start thinking i'm that much closer to being free of the past, it all comes tumbling down on me again. april is hard enough on any given year, but now the process of packing keeps dredging everything up. the receipt for my cat's euthanasia surfaced, and his toy mouse. i broke down. he's been gone a year and a half. this month he would've been nineteen. there's a box in the attic full of love letters and gifts i'm afraid to fetch. i don't need to look at them to get upset. just thinking about them will do. it's been over three years now. and all my other things, records and books, old clothes, stand as a reminder of who i used to be. how i used to be someone. i can't relate to her, even though i remember who she was. years ago...
it seems so pointless to go through all this just to have life be even more disorganized and difficult. i hate temporary solutions. and that's what my whole life seems to have been all about. the future seems even bleaker, with nowhere to go nor be.
on a hopeful note, the 'white tower' aquilegia has proven its hardiness. overwintered in a small pot on the balcony table with no protection, i took it in after thinking i saw a green leaf. everything molded and withered away at first, the last years remains, but now it's pushing leaves commendably. it should flower this year. i wonder where we will all be by then.
