why am i so into flowers these days? i never used to be. my garden was supposed to be full of herbs and vegetables, nothing more. now i'm scheming a peony theft from an abandoned cottage garden and eyeing up aubergine-hued aquilegias by the road for collecting the seeds later. and even though moving prevented starting a nursery in the spring, i have a remarkable collection of seed packets, and not all of them are for the kitchen garden, far from it.

i keep dreaming of people i used to know, and getting stabbed. not by the people i used to know, though, but oprah, for example. today i turned the TV on to her show. it was about nuns in ann arbor. the odd thing about dying in dreams, for me, is that no one realizes and it's so difficult to not breathe and blink. and it's not like i'm faking death, that's just what it's like. real and unreal all at once.

that's what my life is like, too. no one seems to notice i've been dead for a long time already. i don't know what exactly i'm hanging around for.

walked a magic walk today, with lots of dead birds by the road but also the first birch bolete of the year and a feather from a raven, maybe even the same one that called from a nearby tree while i held the feather like a winning lottery ticket and made my way home from the woods.

walking is something that works for me, i can go on and on, especially if i don't have to carry anything heavy. this road i live on is good for long, hypnotic walks, but i've been looking at the map for some adventures on the side. i'm not setting any goals, at least publicly, that does not work for me. but i hope to walk a lot more and get to know my surroundings better. my territory has been way too restricted.

i've taken to adding a drop of essential rosemary oil to my popcorn kettle. that way my nightly munchies are actually aromatherapy.

impressive. (yes, my address is 'under a rock´...)

out in the garden, the peonies are just about to burst. i picked some buds early and a delicate little mini-peony after another opened up. it's impossible to walk past the vase without smelling them. i'm more into flowers nowadays than i've ever been before, but these peonies have been dear to me since childhood. they already grew in the garden when we moved here, and had been for who knows how long. i'm guessing this is a variety that was popular in the early 1900's because it grows in the yards of a lot of old houses, yet no one seems to know its name. they have a strong presence in the garden for such a long time, from the burgundy shoots early in the spring to the dark green leaves with the luscious buds to the heady petal puffs to the fall foliage and even the seed pods in winter. and the smell is amazing.

pretty in pink was on tv last night and i don't think i'd actually watched it since the eighties. i do love the movie, but when molly ringwald went all DIY on the party dresses... i don't know... it kinda broke my heart, it was so tragic. but at the same time it made me want to whip out my sewing machine and make a dress or two, especially since my impulse buy days are now over. and anyway, i have enough party dresses that are too precious to wear out to the woods. i want something basic but fun. something i can draw on, for example. there just isn't any room to do anything. back to square one, not enough square metres...

and hey, i found (a doe) a deer (a female deer) skull. and then some. too bad it's all broken.

i'm not sure if the scarab was playing dead or begging me to scratch his belly...

the rain had weighed an oak branch so low i could reach it, so i stole some leaves and decided to use them for a facial mask. my mug has already improved from the chlorophyll smoothies i've been making, and that's kind of what my mask ended up as well. it turned out so watery only a spoonful stuck to my face. so i drank the rest. isn't that the sign of approval for good cosmetics? so natural you can eat them? i'm not sure how nutritional oak leaves are, but they taste quite all right. and haven't come back up yet.

and how about new cabbages and japanese seaweeds? together, they're awesome. topped with shiitake and daikon, ain't nothing better. i wonder if daikon is easier to grow than radishes. i had high hopes for this summer and heaps of homegrown radish, after years of failure on the balcony. they're just not happening. there's plenty of leaves and i'm assuming wonderful flowers will follow, not to mention a harvest of seeds. but no radishes. i don't get it. from now on i'll just sow them for baby leaves and that's it.

i need to buy more of that daikon, though. i have a feeling i'll be pickling a bunch.

just another lovely, rainy day...

seven legs of apple green, a twig that walks, a grass with joints, someone's earthly home.

a completely different day at the beach. i went to listen to one of my favourite sounds in this world, rainfall on still, shallow shorewater. stayed for quite a while, spied on tiddlers and perch from the end of the bayou and admired the deepened colours of rocks. mostly i just stood there, though. the drops of water were like little bells.

i wish someone would take me out to sea.

the rain finally came, with roaring thunder that woke me up a couple hours after falling asleep early in the morning. i was still glad, the temperature dropped considerably and the air is amazingly fresh. i'm sure the garden feels as relieved as i do.

we have a new aquilegia, planted last year, today its first flower opened. i think it's a 'nora barlow' because it's so tall. i don't know what happened to my japanese columbines, but i'm hopeful that they'll emerge from somewhere. they were so tiny and delicate, maybe they weren't hardy enough. the peonies are taking their sweet time in the bud, they've grown so lanky i'll have to re-prop them already.

asparagus had also sprouted into overgrown lengths, but that didn't stop me from using the stalks for broth. i had no onions or garlic, but not to worry, there's chives in the garden and ramsons in the woods. while gathering them, i picked along some nettles, oregano and fireweed, then i had to run from the ferocious and abundant mosquitoes. i've already been inoculated enough for the coming summer months.

i boiled everything with ginger slices and lemon juice, and added sweet miso and salt afterwards, but somehow it tasted like nothing. then i remembered my dried porcini, and crumpled some in. they were great, but it was probably the fireweed that messed with my taste buds. i've never been a fan, but the leaves are packed with vitamin c and whatnot, and it's basically a weed, so i've felt obliged to eat them. from now on i'll stick to drying them only.

i've got the fungus fever, and this rain is making it worse... i hear the rustling of the shaggy inkcaps underground already.

kitty cloud

the heat has seeped into the house now, my cool haven is gone. tomorrow's forecast promised some thunderstorms, hopefully they'll clear the air. i'm not cut out for this kind of summer.

for some reason i keep having dreams of bottle-fed rescue kittens. usually mixed within nightmares. i wonder what that is all about.

breathing in the scent of lilacs in the shade, what else is there to do on a hot day, on a way too hot day? nothing much. crocheting until fingers get too sweaty, deciphering japanese magazines, wondering what the bird with the most laconic and repetitive song is.


just like last summer, only now i don't have to fend off religious types, only wasps and funny, round bugs. as if i had just flown away from the city on my blanket of solitude.

it's not that i get bored by being on my own all the time. i get tired of it, and weary. but at the same time i can't bear the thought of being around people. it's one of those things i wish i wanted but just don't anymore. not that i ever was very outgoing, but nowadays any kind of interaction just seems so pointless. the whole sociable game is too much for me. i already lost, big time. i'm broke and broken.

ironically enough i freaked out about dying last night, that it's coming in the end, no matter what. i'm afraid it will be awful, when i would like it to be just like falling asleep when overly tired. i'm scared of getting murdered, with no say over my own passing. and the whole concept of it, ceasing to exist, just brings up the issue of pointlessness again. i feel like a waste basket for the lousy genes from innumerable forebears. i am the end of them. no one needs me, and even if they did, i'd never let them close. it's a vicious circle boiled down to a dot. a black hole. betrayed once, i'll never trust again.

this is what a lack of daily ice cream and regular servings of potato chips turns me into, pathetic whiny person. next time i get groceries, i really need to stock up.

the old rowan tree is beginning to bloom and the flowers are popular with all kinds of interesting bugs... the scarabs are no strangers, but that other one was new to me. so beautiful, but a bit goofy and shy.

later i found him in one of the empty yogurt tubs i'd left out to dry. he was quite intent on making it home, wouldn't budge, but in the end i did return him to the tree.

the scent of the rowan flowers is always described as off-putting for some reason. i like it a lot, same as valerian. a good thing, that, because the fumes from that huge ol' tree can get quite intoxicating. i wonder if the flowerheads can be used the same as elderflowers.

it was hot today, 25°C in the shade. humid, too. and there were mosquitoes. hungry ones. i'm full of bites. it's supposed to get even hotter in the next couple of days, and of course my box of summer thingies is buried in the bottom of the pile somewhere... and i have no clue where the sandals are. but at least i found a hat.

normally i'm not a batter-eater, but today's lemon+poppyseed banana bread swayed me to that dark side... it was also my first real success baking banana bread, fluffy and moist and perfectly crusted. the trick was to crank the lazy oven up a notch. and luck, i guess. i was so excited about it that i completely forgot i was meant to make dinner while the bread was in the oven. i just kept waiting for the hour to pass. by then i was so hungry it was impossible not to stuff my face with slice after slice after slice... but i did manage to cook some rice and lentils, and eat a proper dinner. then, for dessert, some more lemony loveliness. mmm!

and then, as usual, i got really sad about having no one to share my bakings with.

i've been back home a month and only today it occurred to me to take a walk down to the shore. i have no idea why i haven't gone every single day. it's not that far, and i love it there. it's a sheltered, calm bay, very quiet, weathered boathouses and bayous, nothing spectacular. it's the small things i like. the pebbles, smooth glass pieces, feisty little plants sprouting from the band of dry seaweed washed ashore. spiders hiding in the shore wheat. i always look for treasures, but tend to find odd things. today, a piece of rubber chicken, grown green. for a moment i was really mystified.

when i'm there, it seems i always end up chatting with some stranger, and i never know if they are locals or vacationers. i know no one here, not even the names of the neighbours. i don't know who knows me. some do. it's odd. today it was a man, around my age, who came from the sea on a rowing boat. it was like a scene from some artsy movie, our conversation included. we talked about swimming and snakes, then he left without any formal farewell, just noting he'd be off on his bike again. and i stayed, silent, picking up pebbles and looking at them closely.

last night i burned his words of love in a rusty pail. sounds like song lyrics, but no, just another useless thing i did. been enjoying the sour bitterness of gin and rhubarb juice tonight, it's a bit better.
i might have some more.