we have another winner, a trip to the woods richer. and two more mice, at least, in the house already... i'm starting to sense a problem. in short, i can't sleep and their using my loaf pan as a toilet is not cool. what do i do?
this is where i have left the two, a sheltered spot with lots of nooks to hide in, and plenty of food sources. i wish they would all go there on their own. i can't bring myself to take the blue oats approach, but i doubt i can ever house-train them either.
my new housemates are yellow-necked mice (apodemus flavicollis) and as far as i can tell, they are a little larger than the wood mice we had in ireland, and they seem to be most active after midnight for a couple of hours and again from about five to seven in the morning. maybe they spend the time in between outdoors telling their friends to come check out the big, warm, cat-free house, i don't know...
what i do know is that my heart will break if i have to start killing them, and i'm depressed enough as it is. daylight lasts about a blink and i'm usually asleep when it occurs. most of it is shrouded in clouds anyway. i have no energy even for the simplest of things, let alone for figuring out what to do with my life. i can't really blame it on the darkness, though. this has been going on for years.
it's a vicious circle of hormonal imbalance. thyroid problems run in the family, but my tests always come out within the norm, therefore i am well despite my symptoms. proper doctors and treatments cost proper money that i'm not well enough to make. i know i should eat a certain way and exercise much more to even give myself a chance, but most of the time i'm just too tired to give a damn, and so it goes. to be regarded as a lazy, whiny person is, of course, always a bonus.
i am crumbling under the expectations to be normal, and to make matters worse, i'm not even abnormal in a generally approved manner. life for me is a dead end that somehow keeps on going, being alive is not at all the same as living. i yearn to be a part of something but i can't connect. i don't like people, not really. i try to, but things always go wrong one way or another. and even with friends i feel like i have to pretend so much it just leaves me exhausted and empty afterwards.
i read of a woman who thinks she is married to the eiffel tower, and while i think she's deranged, i also understand the appeal. if i could have my dream house, i'd be complete. i could just be inside, surrounded by beauty and balance, and need nothing more. were the house located between a forest and an ocean, it would be paradise. i will never have that, because i lack the can-do spirit that takes people from rags to riches and luck evades me, too.
this blog is also nearing its end. i am running out of picture storage and, frankly, the mushrooms look pretty much the same every year... rather than start deleting from the beginning, i want to keep the record this time. lots of things are coming to a close lately, it seems, and i admit i sort of envy them for it. but i'll keep on posting and pointing until i'm out of space...
