someone asked me not too long ago, what good was it to me, knowing the names of my ancestors. finding out about the family history, an ongoing and probably neverending mission, has already proven to be so much more than just a pedigree chart with names and dates on it. and i've only begun.

i also don't quite know where to start describing all the aspects of it. i come from a family with lots of painful secrets that were not talked about, understandably so. i will never know the whole truth of the lives of these people who are what i'm made of. but even the fragments i can get a hold of are valuable to me in understanding myself better, seeing myself as a part of something bigger, no matter how dysfunctional at times.

already, i see craftmanship going way beyond the grandparents i know firsthand. from my father's side there are woodworkers, carpenters and a basketweaver in the family. and that's just the men... i'm told my mother's maternal grandfather used to cook up his own cough syrup, leading me to imagine he had an affinity for nature and herbs much like his daughter, then her daughter, and... well, me. that is also where a certain, i'm inclined to say heightened, sense comes from. witchypoo stuff.

speaking of senses, it fascinates me that my other, late grandmother's parents both were deaf and mute. because, although hearing, that branch of the family is not too talkative. quiet, even by finnish standards! considering the times it must be unusual that they married and made a family, moved to a bigger town and built their own house. unfortunately she died when my granny was only four. he lived to almost 86 but i know nothing of his later years yet.

granny's life was not without setbacks. she lost her stepmother too at 12, then was raised by foster parents, possibly relatives. her oldest brother dies in the war, the other ends up in a mental institution. her husband survives the war but takes to drink, then dies in an accident just as her youngest son (my father) is about to leave home. later she buries one of her sons — another sudden, accidental death. and throughout this she remains lively and outgoing until old age, so much so that she breaks a leg falling over because she's too stubborn to accept that aging requires slowing down just a bit. she has an operation go bad and spends her remaining years mostly in a hospital bed. we were never as close as we could've been. she had her moods and i didn't know what i know now... i understand her better. her maiden name, incidentally, translates as 'difficult uphill'. looking further back that lineage, there is at least one other case where father and son both die young, actually within days of each other. could be that they took that name for a reason. maybe it's a curse...

one thing that makes genealogy challenging is that in western finland, where all my family hails from so far, surnames were not commonly used until the eighteen hundreds. and i come from thoroughly common stock, generations of hired help and farmers. just like icelandic names to this day, everyone is just somebody someone's son or daughter, either in swedish or finnish, depending on the parish and the keeper of those records. what initially got me started with genealogy, was to track down my surname... the paternal great grandfather was a mystery man because no one knew where exactly he had been born. finally, in a fit of stubbornness i searched all the church records within that region, parish by parish, based on his birthday. i could only hope that the book would be in the online database, and the microfilm scan legible. once i got to 't' in the list, luck was on my side. turns out he was from where i studied for two years before moving here. and it was while living there that i began this search! eerie... the surname, however, goes no further than him. either he or his parents chose to have that name and i wonder why, because the name is swedish and many actually changed it to a finnish one at the time, the golden age of nationalism and the eve of this land's independence.

so far i can conclude that my roots are deeply southwestern ones, gravitating towards the coast and spreading along the edge of the sea. so it makes sense to me why i want to stay here, why the sea air is so important to me, why i want the simple life. looking at the old photos i see how i'm a patchwork of those before me. i can even tell i'm attracted to the same type of men the women in my family have always been... genetics, eh? even the fragile mind that comes with those building blocks is more reassuring than distressing. it's what i'm made of, among countless other things, and that takes away from the pressure to fight it, giving me permission to grow from and around it.

so, what good is it? a good question. well, besides grounding me physically, emotionally, and even spiritually... all the detective work, solving puzzle after puzzle, is so satisfying and fun that only mushrooming compares!

i ♥ my supermarket! why do i ever go elsewhere?

(hint: zzz zzz)

(no, not sleep)

↑

at least during the night...

4AM - 4PM today

(which is an improvement)

the sleep manual relaxation tape (audio clip) makes me giggle

which is one way of relaxing, i guess...

i love the idea of this spring palette challenge from colette patterns, but i'm already way above my head with this cleaning/uncluttering/packing ordeal to even consider partaking.

but i'm making a note to self... maybe in the fall?

or i might modify the challenge and omit the sewing part, mulling my wardrobe over and finding a spring look there. i kind of have the colours in my head already. style-wise, i'm going for an old maid version of mori girl, simplicity with a sprinkling of glamour on top... inspired by portraits of my granny's friends circa 1930's i found among her albums.

(another note to self: you might want to install an image editor a smidgen more advanced than paint...)

so, sleeping from five to noon was okay. from noon to five — not so much so. and nothing like finding out, in the midst of this insomnia of preposterous proportions, that the sleep manual from the library is not only overdue but there are reservations, thus it must be returned. so i clumbered outside into the biting cold, with a towel wrapped around my head (a turkish peshtemal or hamam towel... it's made of wool so assumably i can get away with wearing it...)

well, at least i caught some sunlight!

here, another angle of the cathedral... not quite as much snow here in turku as the scale model suggests, but close. it's a rubbish photo because i could not see what i was doing in the merciless, glaring light, but the angle of the sun was what i was going after anyway. it still doesn't drag itself much higher than that. this was at 11:15AM.

in tinier news, as dawn broke i entered the dark side and purchased gaming money, or g-coins, with real life money. something i swore to myself i would never, ever do. one moment i was so proud of myself of actually earning my living out there, then... but to put things to perspective, i reasoned that for the price of two movie tickets i bought myself hours and hours of entertainment, not to mention the immense pleasure of using the alchemy cauldron to fuse unwanted items into possibly rare ones. talk about upcycling! that also gave me substantial trading leverage where before i had none. but it's not a habit i can afford, so that was a one-off indulgence. i swear...

i shudder to think how much all the rich, idle kids must be spending there... because you gamble for items, and must get certain sets to gain the really desirable ones, animated things and such. of course it's not called gambling, but playing the gatcha, a gumball machine with wings. it's possible to just play for free, but when you're a plain jane walking among all those magical creatures that flutter and glimmer and go up in smoke... the chibi coins you can earn in the game can't buy you those things. it's terribly devious. ingenious.

of course life is full of choices, even in selfy town, and i'm choosing to live a reasonably moderate life there. my new pet is growing up and it might dig some treasures up for me, it's already found some coins. there's always the free daily gatcha to get stuff. and games to play within the game. in both worlds, i'm content with a touch of luxury, some occasional vice or treat like a box of raspberries in the winter or, indeed, the softest woollen towel scarf.

(or g-coins if it's a great campaign offer, like today.)

yesterday i took the challenge on modish (like a flick of glove on the face) and exclaimed

"i will try something i've never done before, and post about it. don't know what it will be, yet. just something small and simple and... yes, fun."

well, i got this far before realizing that the cathedral window quilt sample was neither small nor fun.

...so i made this small starry sky instead. not earth-shatteringly original but quick, satisfying and fun. i think i may make a wristlet out of it. i don't wear a wrist-watch anymore, but i like the idea of checking eternity every now and then. also, if you look closely, the loose weave of the fabric made a perfect little shooting star!

*^--

a while ago i was bragging about my crafty abilities, so in all fairness i must confess that i am not good with clay. i started a ceramics course last fall and so far have done nothing to be proud of. and my ambitions have not been too high, or so i have thought... the idea was to go and make handy things like simple bowls and planters every monday. very basic stuff, nothing intricate or demanding. but everything i touch turns to ugly.

and not only am i a terrible potter, today i broke someone else's fancy plate while filling the kiln. no wonder no one wants to do it. that kind of thing will haunt you...

so, to comfort myself i'm escaping into the woods, inside autumn memories of beautiful little mushrooms in dense fir thickets... even baby slimeballs look wonderful when the light falls right.

...

there is now an egg in my room, in virtual life. i'm terrified of hatching it, because of the responsibility... i may be taking things a step too seriously there. i've stocked up on feed and soap for it, but still... what if it needs more? will i have time to play with it enough? what name should i give?

playing has kept me in a remarkably good mood lately, though. today i even forgot i'm supposed to take a little Pill of Calm before my class, until i was already on my way. and it was all right.

besides breaking stuff, that is..

i swear mcstompy upstairs has been sawing something on like three different days now.

i have not.

today was the first day in a week that i woke up to the sounds of snow crunching under car tyres instead of the drip-drip-dripping of melting snow. my mood had plummeted as the temps rose above zero, winter's return livened me up somewhat.

there was also a bad bout of insomnia, triggered no doubt by that can of cherry dr. pepper i drank around the turn of the year. i'm really that sensitive to caffeine. no matter if i slept three hours or thirteen, never felt rejuvenated. now it seems that if i sleep from 5AM to noon, i'm okayish. anyway, i seem to have little say in the matter. even if i go to bed at midnight, i'll stay awake well into the wee hours. i've always been a nite owl...

to distract myself from sleeplessness and the lousy damp weather, i joined TinierMe... and i've been hooked ever since. the game works for me, because it focuses my materialistic urges in a virtual setting. there's a room to furnish, a selfy to dress and games and quests for earning currency and gaining items. it's a great escape... and i'm also working on coming out of my shell a little, wandering through town interacting with other inhabitants.

it's quite possible i'm the oldest person there, most aren't out of their teens yet. my excuse is that there never was anything like it when i was teeny-tiny. hell, there wasn't even internet then, the way we know it now. besides, the doki doki iq high school game is actually more than a mere timewaster, i could almost feel parts of my brain coming to life while adding and subtracting, memorizing bento lunches and shooting nuclear aliens with a baseball... and you get to go shopping afterwards. or gambling, which is probably going to be my downfall. (because i should be saving up. i'm thinking of buying a pet. that hatches from an egg.)

no real life news to talk of. i'm still living off of oven roasted root veggies and turkish yogurt, and have chair carcasses sprawled out on the floor. with things already piled on top...

*sigh*

there is snow up to knees and more here, so venturing into the woods hasn't really been an option. the consistency of all this snow is wonderful. there's a thick crust on top and beneath it's firm but fluffy. walking in it was easier than i thought. i soon learned the technique of extending my feet into it as if tiptoeing, only in giant strides. rabbits the snow bears. and foxes, barely.

from the latest issue of trendi magazine, i spotted this diy jeans project. she's not wearing three layers of trouser, the waistbands have been added in decreasing size. i like it, and i'm not quite sure why. i couldn't pull this look off, there is very little waist between my ribs and hips, but if i was super tall i might do it, just for the hell of it.

and then... this is courtney love? i thought it was cameron diaz upon initial glance. i really haven't been following the transformation over the years (i'm assuming) so it is a bit of a shock. i recently had another similar 'is it really?' moment with lara flynn boyle. she was so beautiful in twin peaks but these days her unique looks seem to have been replaced with standard hollywood plastic. personally i think it's a shame. not that i'm against plastic surgery for the sake of vanity, no. it's just that i think the result should make people say "oh, she looks so well these days!" instead of "who is it?"

i'm still sawless and the facelift of my apartment has ground to a halt. maybe a quick trip to the woodlands will inject some much needed booster into my hardworking veins and i will actually follow through this time. i'm also hoping to sleep.

years have gone past fast — one, two, three... we met only briefly, on a couple of occasions, but i still miss detroit something awful. i fell in love the moment its vast expanse of glimmering lights emerged from the night and filled the plane window for what seemed like eternity, the glow dividing into ever increasing numbers of singular lamps. streetlights, windows, cars... so much more than i had ever laid eyes on before.

detroit is a love interest way out of my league. a bit too street-wise, been around the block a few times.. and so tragically beautiful it breaks my heart. a city where my heart was broken. i could never make it there, yet i long for it. the crumbling brick walls, hamtramck streets with familiarly foreign shops, ice-skaters in the traffic circle, all its dilapitated glory. i know its reality is a harsh one. but when it dreams... oh my.

we may never meet again, but i wish detroit all the best.
i will love you forever and always.

right now i am stuck because i don't have a saw. on friday i went to buy one but the shop was out of what i had in mind, a small hobby saw. i literally butchered my lounge chairs, black leather numbers from an unknown era, disassembling, slicing into foam filling, cutting good bits of leather out to keep... (not good when i'm supposed to get rid of things!) now i need to cut down the frames so i can bin them. they're well built, i can tell ya.

there was a sofa, too, and they all first belonged to my grandparents. my grandma used to push the chairs together, facing each other, to make a playpen/bed/boat for me and my cousin when we were little. tuesday was popcorn and cartoons day. at some point the seating arrangement moved to our house. then we got a new (vintage) sofa but i ended up with the chairs. they were big and boxy and quite ugly but so comfortable and, well... understandably i had grown fond of them over the years.

their time had come, though. generations of cat claws and occasional pee and vomit had done the leather in. and they were just too heavy for me to move or lift for vacuuming. and have i mentioned the lack of space? so i decided the humane way would be to put them down myself. i unscrewed countless screws and discovered a long-lost ruler, a glass pin needle with a yellow head, and a mini band-aid in its wrapper in one. nothing but dog hair in the other. the dog being amatso, my grandparents' great dane who passed in the late eighties. he was big and drooly, with floppy ears and sad eyes and a tail like a whip. his sidekick was a coyote-like mutt called ressu. i walked them with my grandad often, before school. i had forgotten that, but now i can feel the leather leash in my hand and both of their furs, one coarsely fluffy, the other short and smooth...

oh, the memories furniture can hold... needless to say i'm not just plain chucking the chairs. in addition to the buttons and bits of leather and foam (good quality, needful things) i'm keeping the screws and corner bars, and bits of the board with nice unlaquered veneer because i still secretly hope to meet my carpenter who'll build me things, apparently. and i'm keeping the seat cushions, they just need reupholstering. but it's emotionally tasking to let go and i don't need this to drag on and on just because i can't get the last pieces apart. but my life comes with certain conditions and one is that every step must include a setback, especially when i'm doing something that already really challenges me.

so today i'm on the prawl for that saw, watch out.

my mother used to have these same knitting needles as a kid, now she had found this lot at the fleamarket. they make me laugh, jiminy especially.

last night i watched a knitting program online, knitty gritty i think it was called. it blew my mind to see up close all the different ways people knit. not that i didn't already know, but still... there were three generations of women from one family, the grandmother knitted the 'continental way' which is the same way i probably do, but she managed to make it look so sophisticated it was unreal. the other ways are still beyond me... in northern exposure marilyn was always knitting and i remember trying to figure out her style, in vain.

i'm not one of those knitters who is never seen without needles and thread. i mostly knit things when i need something, or as gifts. i have unraveled more than i have finished things and currently there are projects from the 90s still waiting to be done, or undone and started again. so, not very productive... i crochet and sew, too. i'm fully equipped to embroider. and i'm good at those things. i'm good with my hands, have a good eye... it's just that i rarely do.

the more i think about it, the more i see how making things by hand runs in the family. i have crafty and dexterous genes, unfortunately they are not combined with ambition and creativity. i'm left aware of how i could do most anything, but don't quite know what and why...

my excuse has been that i don't have enough room, but even when i did, i was as useless. so it must be that i don't have the ideal space. i envy people who are passionate enough to carve their way through stone to do what they love. i'm not wired that way. i need a stage, visual balance, or my brain begins to shut down. in these bleak surroundings and cramped conditions i hardly even know who i am anymore. with that in mind, and the fact that summer is imminent and brings with it the demolition of my bathroom and the need to move out, i have begun the notorious SPRING CLEANING. everything must go. well, half of everything at least.

so tune in to follow as i attempt this hurdle and begin to fray at the edges... this is a lot to deal with, almost too much. so now, more than ever, i think the blog will be my sanctuary. as much as i would like it to be all pretty pictures and wise words, it probably won't. the next weeks will be reserved for venting and whining and general crankiness. if it goes well, in the end there will be things worth blogging about, for real. in the meantime, you've been warned.

i'm kind of overwhelmed by everything right now. more so than usual. could be the over-tiredness mixed with a bout of new-year mania collapsing upon itself. today i was happy to be overwhelmed by the sheer incredibility of vivian maier's photography and how it was discovered. it was featured both on the news and in the new etsy blog. i can imagine the thrill of discovery. i wish i could participate in funding the planned documentary, but the page is set up for credit cards only. so typically american.

the photos make me regret not making it to chicago when i had the chance even more now.

and... i'd really love to have this dress, from one of her color photo gems...

 

breakfast doesn't get much better than rhubarb yoghurt, pomegranate seeds and raspberries.
or much more pink at least.

my hyacinth decided once just wasn't enough and is now growing a second stem. i didn't know that was even an option. if and when it stops flowering, i'll try to store the bulb and plant it in the garden next fall.

i've been good about not buying any more houseplants, but the seed catalogs all came in the mail and i have a long list... actually, my first order already arrived — almost instantly, the next or second day after i purchased the seeds online. whew.

i did buy a pomegranate today, though. every time i catch a glimpse of it from the corner of my eye, it freaks me out. like an oversized rosehip, or hawthorn fruit, it makes me feel mouse-sized. i've heard it's easy to get the seeds growing so i guess i'll plant some tomorrow to ease the longing until gardening days. the pumpkins that i have eaten in the past months have also been carefully harvested for seeds. a pumpkin patch has been my dream forever, this year i think i'll just plant a ton on our lower field back home and hope for a warm and rainy summer.

earlier, i mentioned having been thinking about pets... well, i have a caterpillar again. actually, a cocoon by now. one evening a dark figure crawled up the wall from under my bed, and not knowing what it was up to, i caught it in a jar. i offered all kinds of scraps from the kitchen, and even a bit of the wallpaper from where the cat had scratched it up. the only thing it seemed interested in was the dried-up cranberry so next day i tried a fresh blueberry, which got the little critter going. then i went back home for over a week and forgot all about my new lodger. i felt terrible about it, but the bugger probably hadn't even noticed i was gone. shiitake mushroom got gobbled up pretty fast, though. after cleaning the jar of poop, (s)he got upset and wove a nest to hide into. i don't know what to expect.

new year used to be my favourite holiday as a child and the best part was always melting the tin horseshoe to tell the fortunes to come. nowadays it's a big environmentalist no-no because the tin is mostly lead and thus toxic waste. i figured, since i didn't just spend a fortune exploding nasty stuff all over the sky, that it was okay for me to use my last remaining lucky shoe to spice up an otherwise crappy and lonely night. it's not as if the compound is any greener unmolten, sitting in the drawer, is it? i'm not about to dump it in the river, or even trash it. i've saved one from before but can't find it. the idea is to keep re-using them. and the tradition is special to me.

:: so here's what i got ::

not sure about the hobgoblin on top but the other is clearly a chicken, right?

fierce leaping pony and a tiny kangaroo

and three teardrops