the pineaway

moneses uniflora

this week i saw a picture of a one-flowered wintergreen in a book and thought i'd like to see some one day. later that day i spotted them growing in the woods that line our yard. ask and ye shall receive. i pressed one but the flower is so fleshy i think it will turn black. i should try dipping it in boiling water first. i've heard that is the trick with violets. i should try them as well.

today it dawned on me that no matter what i do, i still feel like i haven't done anything at all unless someone knows about it. it's more complicated than mere blogger's addiction. i haven't felt like writing about it but i totally stumbled and fell back into depression when i returned home. it happened very quickly and without warning. then i remembered the big speech i gave before, about talking about bad things in here, too. there's not much to it, though. i feel useless because no one wants me and life is not worth living if i can't have my house and my ducks.

so even though i made pesto, picked herbs, replanted plants, cleaned the herbs and put them to dry, trained the newest cherry tree with strips of fabric tied to stones so the branches grow at a better angle, baked a minty rhubarb pie, made a bottle of rhubarb juice, put the leftover dregs to steep in some gin and made a nice brew of birch leaves, basil stalks and lemon, i still felt like i never do anything.

i looked through my recipe book and wanted to cook most everything, but don't see the point when no one else will taste the dishes. i am so done with doing things just to please myself. and it's not the being alone as much as knowing in my heart that this will never change that puts me down.

and my friends don't get it, what it really is like to always be on my own, to not have a partner to do things with. it makes the world of difference, no matter what lame event you attend or where you go, you do it together and can talk about it or laugh, and it will become a shared memory. so many people take all of that for granted. of course they do. i take things for granted, too. i have a lot to be thankful for. unfortunately my personality is such that i want things i can't have, and feel very deeply about these desires.

so, again it is hard to breathe, hard to sleep. all i want to eat are crisps and ice cream. i forget to drink water, because deep down i have very little will to survive. i thought i was doing so well already, but i guess it was just a bubble that burst. they come and go. solitude stays.

this is not a post to garner sympathy, by the way. it's of no use to me. i need money and love. and a brain that functions properly, that would be grand.

also, nights that go dark, please.