today was the first day in ages that saw me doing multiple things. took cuttings from dad's plants and changed the soil for some, potted forgotten bulbs that had sprouted in the box on the floor. vacuumed a bit. filled up the bird-feeders outside. fried some halloumi to eat with a pear, which is just the best combination. the cheese is so salty though, i've been drinking like a camel ever since. even scraped some snow off the steps with a shovel! tried taking out the trash but the bin had frozen shut.
i feel so unwell but it's hard to distinguish whether this is emotional or mental. there is a fine, but significant line there... physically i'm withering. and exhausted although i hardly move over the days. i also noticed i've begun to say "i'm insomniac" instead of "i have insomnia" which kind of depresses me further.
can't take my eyes off the portrait of great grandmother, one of those blown-up, carefully retouched and slightly coloured photos that appear so unreal. this photo hung framed on my grandmother's wall and it always intrigued me but i never knew who it was. and never asked her... that is so odd. she doesn't look like me at all, yet she does look exactly like me, this young woman who posed very still in some studio over a century ago. the folds of her ear are the same as mine. an eighth of me comes from her. she can not hear and her gaze avoids me, i can't reach her.
there is a family portrait where she holds her first-born, smiling. there is another photo with the surviving children, taken later. probably the last photograph of her. she would be dead in only a few years. her left hand looks badly swollen, i wonder if that had something to do with her untimely passing. i want to know more. it's so distressing that these people, who are so intimately a part of me, remain complete strangers.
