the past days have totally wrung me out. i kind of moved a bit, and moved from a rock to a hard place it seems. we escaped, me and my plants and a bunch of my stuff while at it, to the country only to find the plumbing frozen here at the sanctuary. so, in the city the problem was not being able to bathe, here i can't let any water down the drain or it will overflow onto the bathroom floor. that includes flushing the toilet...
if i had been able to think clearly, i would've just hauled all the junk boxes and excess furniture here and left the plants well home, returning to my apartment to enjoy its vast openness. it's so nice now that there is space... well, best not forget the impossible noise from the repairs and the insane neighbours who deal with the noise by blasting the worst kind of awful hiphop, when not making insane noise themselves. at least here it's quiet. and there is still lots of pure, white snow...
it got so warm a couple of days ago, the air felt strange against the skin, on my cheeks, above zero. it's always like that after the long winter, disbelief that it can be so. and on the night of arrival here, the sky was pitch black and full of stars, more so than i remember seeing in years. i stood out on the yard gawking at them for ages in the howling wind, not feeling cold at all. not feeling anything much at all, just seeing, looking.
the whole ordeal of packing up and turning my place upside down in two days, all on my own, was physically exhausting, but emotionally even more demanding. in and of itself the change was hard, but it also dredged up all that past that i'm trying to put behind me... diaries surfacing from the shelves, little things reminding me of what i haven't yet forgotten. i shut down, i am so numb now. like some sort of inverted out of body experience... i'm not within myself, but only the nothingness is aware of itself.
i don't know what that flower in the first photo is called, but it's a houseplant of my father's that blossoms every spring. i cut it to see if it'll make more. i also took a side shoot to take root. i've been up very early these last days, mornings are always strangers to me... the light coming in odd angles. yoghurt is good again, today sweetened with honey and garnished with pine nuts and pomegranate seeds. now i need sleep, lots and lots of it, preferably without dreams of being half paralysed by a sudden hail storm in a supermarket aisle, dragging myself around a garden neighbourhood looking for help, then being taught dance steps by an ancient crush, and ignored. please. none of that. just slumber... sweet nothing...
